TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he need to cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Options


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where company may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting notice from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down service."


A further publish Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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